Its a Boys Life

Its a Boys Life

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

reflection........

so first up.. apoligies in advance.. i havent done this..in like forever..but right now i think i need this....so this is personal..its what is from me.. so if you dont wish to read as there will be no scrapping i totally understand.....

i think its reflection time...... its coming up to TWO years.. yep.. 2.. i should be rejoicing but today i'm not.. i still have absolutely NO regrets about what i did... coz it was me.. but at the same time i'm ready.. i'm so ready to find someone to be here for me.. not just here as a body but here..someone i can talk to ..to tell absolutely everything to and someone that if i'm feeling alittle crappy at night he can be here.. right beside me.... and admittedly i miss it.. i miss having someone to go to sleep beside.. to wake up with on Any day of the week.... i know that i am NOT ready for the every single day .. the total commitment.. i dont want that... not full on .. but holy crap maybe i do...! and its not wrong to think that surely.. its not wrong for me to want someone to hold me on a bad day and say its ok.....i miss hugs.. i really do.. and its kinda sad for me tonight... i have no idea why.. but i suppose when you get to the stage where you talk to people and they are happy, they have no trouble talking to men .. people want them.. i want someone to want me.. to say hell yeah i'll give it a go... my lil sis set me up on eharmony about i dont know maybe 10 months ago..well feels like forever.. and i get hardly anything.. i've had a few that i've gone through the whole process of answering the questions finding out more..but then when it comes to the actual stage of communication apart from the questions..they disappear.. what am i doing wrong.. i am a positive person.. i am nice.. i am kind... i am active... and mostly i am happy.. so what the freak is wrong with me.. and i know i shouldnt push it and just go with the flow coz when you arent looking thats when they come along..but seriously its getting closer to winter..and its gonna be cold.. i want hugs...i am the first to admit that i have my flaws.. yeah i'm not the most attractive stick figure on the block but i sure hope that i make up for that in personalitly... i give so much and sometimes i think that i just want something in return..i want someone to love me..i suppose i've answered my own question.. do i really love myself enough.. yeah i like myself..but do i love myself.. i thought so..but maybe not... why am i feeling like this.. {i dont expect the answers coz i know that they are out there..but ...}....

i just really want to say a great big FUCK right now.. {sorry to offend but this is me}.....

and yes i am fine.. i will be fine.. i am so much stronger than THIS right now.. but right now i just need to do this for me.. i need to say that i feel like crap..that yes i may have a few tears right about now..but self pity doesnt get anyone anywhere..... but sometimes to vent.. it helps... how come i can talk to people over the net everyday..but it still isnt enough.. why ... why cant i be that person that people want.. why am i me.. i suppose..well i have no idea what the answer to that is.. i just ... FUCK.. i cant get it out.. i cant seem to find the words that i want to say..but what am i doing wrong.. i am in such a better position now that i was last year.. i have my own place.. i am living independently.. my kids are really quite good kids..sure they have their days but whose doesnt..and they are bright.. this hasnt affected them.. they have adjusted.. FUCK fuck fuck.. sorry but thats it.... i dont have the answers that i am looking for right now... i dont know if i'll ever have all the answers.. but i suppose that i need to be alittle more positive.. i will find lust - love whatever again..and i suppose because i settled before.. i settled for someone who wanted me right then..not someone who i connected with on such a super human effort.. i want someone to get me.. i dont want to have to change again..i did it once to fit the mould but i'm not going to again..so take it or leave it ... i am me and deal with it... yeah i like some routine.. alittle normality..but i want to explore.. i want to see new things.. to feel new things.. to be that person who loves herself.. who absolutey adores her life.. to be fullfilled........ i want this.......

i dont want a fairy tale.. i dont want the white horse.. i dont want someone confessing at an airport terminal as they are leaving {yes i watch maybe one to many of those romcoms...but}... i just want to be noticed.. to be asked on a date.. how fantastic would that be..for someone to actually want to go on a date with me.. to spend time with me.... with ME..... i love my friends with all my heart.. all my friends.. each and everyone ... i consider them more like family than just a friend i would and will do anything for them.... and i suppose i want to be treated like that.. and no not by any of you my friends i want someone well lets face it a male coz i  like men.. lol.. i want to someone to say i get you.. and i like it.. i like it alot.....

well anyho.. i feel kinda better now... i ususally do once i get it out..and no if you ring i would tell you none of this..coz i cant .. i'm not that person.. i stuggle with talking..anyone who knows me knows that... i will write you a letter, i'll text but if i was talking i wouldnt be able to say what i've just said.. i'd smile and wave and say.. i'm fine.. so thanks for listening... and thanks for not judging me.. i do that enough.. but if you want to you can love me.. i would appreciate it...

hope you have a happy day...... 

4 comments:

Dolly B said...

Oh Gorgeous girl there is nothing wrong with you or anything you said. Why should you settle for anything but the best and sell yourself short. I admire your honesty, your strength and your heart. It's going to be one lucky guy that gets you and because you are not going to settle for anything but the one that rocks your soul imagine the happiness you are going to be having. I am sorry you are feeling sad, but I truly believe that someone amazing is going to find you, because you are amazing. And if they are not willing to put the effort into you then they are not worthy of having you
Love and hugs
Mary x

Lisa Amiet said...

First of all - (((((BIG HUGS))))). I could say all the cliche things that some would say but you already know all that. You are a beautiful, kind and loving person, thats all you need to know!! Love you xoxo

Jasmine S said...

Oh Leanne I don't know what to say except that you are you and one day someone WILL get that and love you to the moon and back. x

Kim said...

hugs leanne...when the time is right.....

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