reflection........

so first up.. apoligies in advance.. i havent done this..in like forever..but right now i think i need this....so this is personal..its what is from me.. so if you dont wish to read as there will be no scrapping i totally understand.....

i think its reflection time...... its coming up to TWO years.. yep.. 2.. i should be rejoicing but today i'm not.. i still have absolutely NO regrets about what i did... coz it was me.. but at the same time i'm ready.. i'm so ready to find someone to be here for me.. not just here as a body but here..someone i can talk to ..to tell absolutely everything to and someone that if i'm feeling alittle crappy at night he can be here.. right beside me.... and admittedly i miss it.. i miss having someone to go to sleep beside.. to wake up with on Any day of the week.... i know that i am NOT ready for the every single day .. the total commitment.. i dont want that... not full on .. but holy crap maybe i do...! and its not wrong to think that surely.. its not wrong for me to want someone to hold me on a bad day and say its ok.....i miss hugs.. i really do.. and its kinda sad for me tonight... i have no idea why.. but i suppose when you get to the stage where you talk to people and they are happy, they have no trouble talking to men .. people want them.. i want someone to want me.. to say hell yeah i'll give it a go... my lil sis set me up on eharmony about i dont know maybe 10 months ago..well feels like forever.. and i get hardly anything.. i've had a few that i've gone through the whole process of answering the questions finding out more..but then when it comes to the actual stage of communication apart from the questions..they disappear.. what am i doing wrong.. i am a positive person.. i am nice.. i am kind... i am active... and mostly i am happy.. so what the freak is wrong with me.. and i know i shouldnt push it and just go with the flow coz when you arent looking thats when they come along..but seriously its getting closer to winter..and its gonna be cold.. i want hugs...i am the first to admit that i have my flaws.. yeah i'm not the most attractive stick figure on the block but i sure hope that i make up for that in personalitly... i give so much and sometimes i think that i just want something in return..i want someone to love me..i suppose i've answered my own question.. do i really love myself enough.. yeah i like myself..but do i love myself.. i thought so..but maybe not... why am i feeling like this.. {i dont expect the answers coz i know that they are out there..but ...}....

i just really want to say a great big FUCK right now.. {sorry to offend but this is me}.....

and yes i am fine.. i will be fine.. i am so much stronger than THIS right now.. but right now i just need to do this for me.. i need to say that i feel like crap..that yes i may have a few tears right about now..but self pity doesnt get anyone anywhere..... but sometimes to vent.. it helps... how come i can talk to people over the net everyday..but it still isnt enough.. why ... why cant i be that person that people want.. why am i me.. i suppose..well i have no idea what the answer to that is.. i just ... FUCK.. i cant get it out.. i cant seem to find the words that i want to say..but what am i doing wrong.. i am in such a better position now that i was last year.. i have my own place.. i am living independently.. my kids are really quite good kids..sure they have their days but whose doesnt..and they are bright.. this hasnt affected them.. they have adjusted.. FUCK fuck fuck.. sorry but thats it.... i dont have the answers that i am looking for right now... i dont know if i'll ever have all the answers.. but i suppose that i need to be alittle more positive.. i will find lust - love whatever again..and i suppose because i settled before.. i settled for someone who wanted me right then..not someone who i connected with on such a super human effort.. i want someone to get me.. i dont want to have to change again..i did it once to fit the mould but i'm not going to again..so take it or leave it ... i am me and deal with it... yeah i like some routine.. alittle normality..but i want to explore.. i want to see new things.. to feel new things.. to be that person who loves herself.. who absolutey adores her life.. to be fullfilled........ i want this.......

i dont want a fairy tale.. i dont want the white horse.. i dont want someone confessing at an airport terminal as they are leaving {yes i watch maybe one to many of those romcoms...but}... i just want to be noticed.. to be asked on a date.. how fantastic would that be..for someone to actually want to go on a date with me.. to spend time with me.... with ME..... i love my friends with all my heart.. all my friends.. each and everyone ... i consider them more like family than just a friend i would and will do anything for them.... and i suppose i want to be treated like that.. and no not by any of you my friends i want someone well lets face it a male coz i  like men.. lol.. i want to someone to say i get you.. and i like it.. i like it alot.....

well anyho.. i feel kinda better now... i ususally do once i get it out..and no if you ring i would tell you none of this..coz i cant .. i'm not that person.. i stuggle with talking..anyone who knows me knows that... i will write you a letter, i'll text but if i was talking i wouldnt be able to say what i've just said.. i'd smile and wave and say.. i'm fine.. so thanks for listening... and thanks for not judging me.. i do that enough.. but if you want to you can love me.. i would appreciate it...

hope you have a happy day...... 

hi all...

its the 15th..well yesterday was.. so its an ALL new challenge over at Show Us Your Stuff.....and this is your inspiration...

and i came up with..
"Hilarious"

yep.. i know.. i lost the mushroom... and THIS was my 3rd attempt.. LOL.. i was going for red?white colour theme..and then mushrooms kind of represent fun for me..they are so quirky.. so i guess i really didnt loose it after all.....

and closies....
YUM.. i love Show us your stuff simply coz we can showcase some amazing local Aussie peopls making some superb stuff for us to use... here is some Rainbow Splendour.. the felt doily AND the super cute felt bug and leaf....... and also my favourite buttons.. a red dot from Lil Red Rocket.....
the photos.. oh she is funny.. I was taking these coz the amazing JMack sent me this headband from her shop... Rainbows and Whimsy but she just wouldnt be normal.. and you just cant go past scrapping funniness...
and the felt flower is also from Chloe at Rainbow Splendour..... and i just love these birdy pins [which reminds me that i need more].. from The Chip Chop Shop....
and then the title.. is says... "Not sure where she gets her crazy from but its hilarious"... yep thats her...

so anyho. thats me for today..

happy days everyone i know it is for me.. school went back today..LOL.

happy Easter and Scrapmatts day..

Gooooodddd Easter Morning to everyone.. well by the time you read this it would've been Easter probably a couple of days ago..but you know what I'm fine with that...

I really hope that everyone has enjoyed their day..right now I'm here all alone... but my sis is coming to pick me up and go visit my mum and dad for a little while and then the kids will be home this afternoon sometime.. so its ok.....

so Onto the scrapbooking..... this month at ScrapMatts we are celebrating all things women..

its all about those special girls and ladies in our lives or even give yourself a big pat on the back...

My first one is all about ME... yep i did it... all about me.....

"A Good Feeling"

I actually did this one at the Gillian Retreat so it's kind of a lift from her..she was sitting near me and was using these bunting type shapes for her background..thought I'd give it a go.....

some closies..
the side.. see the layers.. a good mix there.. even a felt fence from Rainbow Splendour... and the floral spray from scrapmatts...
and then the little cluster of goodness down the bottom..

Next up we have another from the retreat... I just had to use these series of photos.. they are just so gorgeous...

"The Best Day Ever"

I know its pretty simple but I really really like it.. I think its because its a mix of just a random background some special photos and then just a couple of extras.....

closies...
LOVE these new Stands from Scrapmatts teamed up with the microchips bird cage and little birdy..so cute....
and then another of the floral sprays.. YES it is one of my favourite scrapmatts products... love it..
and a random title..its was a case of one of those.. NO now what am I going to call it.... I must admit that I think that I even left it for a day without anything in the area where I'd put the journal spot..... yep.... I know..

And finally one I created the other day.. I have this maybe bad habit sometimes of just creating a background with NO idea what photo or what the page is even about and then I have to find a photo and then the embellishments to go with it... but sometimes it works a Treat....

"She"

Have a look at that colour combo.. must say I LIKE it alot.. so soft but with the splash of red to give it alittle bit of excitement.....

closies..
Used some of my favourite products.. Scrapmatts butterflies and some Lil Red Rocket.. how amazing is that heart button......
I used one of the window arches as a frame just to add something to the side of the page...
and then a cluster of flowers and chippies... the circle felt flower is also from Lil Red Rocket.....now just in case you are wondering how I did the effect on the chippies.. simple.. I used an Adirondack lights Acrylic paint Dabber..and simple just dabbed it randomly over the chippy.. i really like the aged type effect it made...

so ... thats it for today..

again I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Easter... may the chocolate be with you.... Happy days...

something to share...

howdy doodey...

its been a while.. but I'm back to share a few creations with you all... first up is just a random that i did on retreat..

"Mischief Wink"

yep it features one of my favourite photos with a truely random lj mix of STUFF... yep some super Lil Red Rocket, Rainbow Splendour, The Chip Chop Shop, Hambly, October afternoon and dont forget the ALFOIL...yep its made a comeback....and now for some closies...
see the Rainbow Splendour felt doiley..YUM...
the title word "Mischief" is a ScrapMatts WORD...
see that child and her wink..too cute... also the mushroom is Rainbow Splendour...
and look at that cluster.. YEP random.. green gingham button from Lil Red Rocket, another felt doiley from Rainbow Splendour.. a super CUTE burger from the Chip Chop Shop, and even a mini silver food mould {thanks Gilly}.....

so thats one to share..and i have another for today...

on our recent trip to Gillians for our own little retreat we had to set challenges.. Tracey and I were first up.. so you did a sketch and a recipe to go with the sketch.....so here is ours...
and here is what i came up with...
"Adventure"

something alittle structured and alittle fun.... can you see everything...
yep the transparency... and the pp speak for themselves really...but how CUTE is that Robot button.. yep Lil Red Rocket...
some random string...and stars ......
and the NON scrappy item.. yep Al-Foil ..i reckon al is awesome..you should try it...... go on i dare you.. so if you want why not have a go at OUR challenge.. the sketch and recipe combined..... oh oh .. and see the robot and boy pp i have had that sitting in my stash since that range was released and it was one of those pp that i kept looking at thinking this is too awesome to use and just couldnt bring myself to use it.. so i took it down to Gillys on the purpose that it MUST be used.. i think i made the most of it.. i'm sure i used it on 4 layouts in the end..what a great piece of PP it turned out to be.. yay..

so happy days everyone..... enjoy the holidays..........